Who am I and why am I writing about domestic violence?
My name is Janet and I’m a nurse. I was married for 32 years to a decent man who for the most part wasn’t physically violent. Do you hear me already making excuses for him? It’s never okay to hit!! Yet, I’m saying since he only hit me a few times during the marriage so it’s not so bad. SAY WHAT!! WRONG!!
It just took me 32 years to realize it.
However, he was verbally and emotionally abusive: cutting me off from people, timing my excursions with friends and my grown children(He was actually jealous of any time I spent with my grown children and would get mad and start a fight with me every time they came to visit and they were his kids too!!), monitoring food intake, discouraging visitors, belittling me when we were out with other people, etc. The list goes on and over time I’ll share.
But the incident that caused the marriage to finally end was “The Punch In The Face”
When my youngest, El, was 4 years old we were watching TV. I went to turn the TV down and I wasn’t using the remote, I knealt down to lower the volume on the TV and my ex lunged across the room, and punched me in the face in front of my four year old. She started screaming and I ran to take her in the bedroom where her teenage sister ,Rose, was. I gave El to her sister and told Rose to lock the door. Then I ran to the front door to escape and he grabbed me and threw me over the couch. He told me if I left in the car he would call the police and tell them I stole the car!!
I was in such shock, I couldn’t even think straight, because of course if I had called the police , he would have been arrested. But I didn’t call the police. I ran in my room and locked the door and hid with ice on my face. And soon who comes knocking, and whining and apologizing, but with the timely sentence, “You shouldn’t have tried to turn down the volume.” Oh so it was my fault? I deserved it! Yikes!
So I didn’t tell anyone, but Rose told her older brother B, and her older married sister Joy and her husband Lee, unbeknownst to me. I was ashamed, I didn’t want anyone to know.
Finally Joy and Rose confronted me and told me I had to get out. That it wasn’t fair for El to grow up like they had. Now I thought they weren’t even aware of all the stuff that went on, but of course they knew and they were sick and tired of it for me.
So the next summer, the day after school let out for El, Joy and Lee showed up with a uhaul and packed up me and El and took me to live with them for a few weeks until I was able to buy a new home and start a new life in southern NJ, far enough away from my ex in central NJ, (who didn’t like to drive), to keep him away from us.
NOw I had told my ex I was leaving and given him a few months warning, that Joy and Lee were coming to get me. I started divorce proceedings before I left and forced the sale of the house so I would have money to start over. How? By threatening to never let him see El again and telling everyone what he did. He always loved his children and didn’t want his family or employers to know what happened, so he let me go. The down side being, he has visitation rights and I have to see him every month until El turns 18. But after I made it clear there was no turning back, he’s been alright, concentrating on his relationship with her.
The funny thing is El was never sad about leaving him and starting over. She loved her new school and home, and she didn’t mind seeing him only a couple times a month, meaning the tension in our home must have been a lot worse than I realized. Once we moved out , she really blossomed, before she was shy and quiet. She’s 11 years old now and happy and does great in school.
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Hello, I’ve been reading through your blog. I’m dealing with the “should I go? how do I go?” feelings right now. I’m 37, separated, I have 2 children from my marriage. I’ve been seeing a man for a little over a year now. He’s “only” hit me 3 times, the last time was 3 weeks ago. I had a black eye, a swollen forehead, and a bruised nose. I missed a week of work because of this. The second time, he kicked me, spit in my face, got on top of me and choked me, dragged me up and down the hall by my hair…he was arrested that time. What I don’t understand is WHY am I still here??? He turns on that charm, the manipulation, and the “I’m sorry baby, I love you, this will NEVER EVER happen again”…and I fall for it. I worry about him losing HIS job. He uses MY TRUCK, drops me off at work, then he goes to work. He’s isolated me from my family and friends. They all hate him. I know it makes me sound like a weak woman, but I never was this way before. Luckily, neither of my children have ever been there when this happened. Now, my husband will no longer allow my kids to visit where I live now because of the new guy. I don’t blame him. I am going thru a divorce after an 11 yr. (completely NONviolent) marriage. I basically left my husband for this new man. I know, it’s completely selfish, and maybe I’m getting what I deserve. My husband still loves me dearly and has begged me to come back home and try to work things out with him. He knows what’s happening to me and he’s ready to beat this guy to a pulp. Amazingly enough…he still wants me back. I’m floored by that. I’ve learned that the grass definitely wasn’t greener. HOW did you get the courage to leave?? It’s like I can’t make the words come out of my mouth.
I feel your pain!! It’s definately hard to leave an abuser, especially if we love him. I still see my ex bcuz he has visitaiton rights to our daughter and I often feel sorry for him and what has become of him. But the courage to leave came from my children. My ex punched me in front of a 6 year old and terrorized her teenage sister. My married daughter said “That’s enough” and “You have to leave” and even then it took another year for me to go!. So don’t feel bad or like a loser bcuz it is hard! You’re not getting what you deserve bcuz no one deserves abuse. Remember , He’s making a choice to abuse you. If he isn’t hitting his boss, or friends , or anyone who annoys him and only taking it out on you, he’s making a conscious choice. If he can refrain from hitting everyone else, then he can refrain from hitting you. You are important. Love yourself enough to know you don’t deserve abuse. My suggestion is to read my emergency preparedness plan and start assembling your escape duffle. Find out where in your area there are DV shelters and learn the route. I hope you leave soon bcuz he sound dangerous, but if you wait for the next event then at least call the police and while he’s being arrested and processed, leave. I didn’t want my ex to lose his job either, bur I’m sorry I never called the police bcuz it would have made a difference in the custody agreement. I had alot of support from my children and especially my daughter Heather and her husband who actually came with a u-haul to pick us up and take us to live with her until I could get on my feet again. Good luck and be careful!
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