So this weekend brought up a lot of baggage. My second grandson made his debut and my ex wanted to meet him. Now I’m enough of a pushover that I let him stay on my couch overnight so he could visit with his new grandson because he has eye issues that prevent him from driving for the time being. But it once again reminded me why I divorced him and his fruitcake of a family.
My ex hasn’t seen his own daughter, my 12 year old in 4 months because “his back, his eyes, his leg”. In other words he is always complaining about something. I have health problems too, but I still have to take care of me and my girl.
My ex’s sister is a piece of work. She is passively agressive nice. She has perfected taking time to the point of being selfish, Now my mother-in-law was always running around just like all of us who are born and live in the tri-state area. My ex sis-in-law as a result became deliberately slow to “defy her mother”.
This weekend she was going to visit my daughter and pick up her brother, my ex, and take him home. Well, we talked to her at 10:30 am and she was getting ready. I dropped my ex off at H’s house at 3 pm to visit with his new grandson, expecting his sister to arrive around 4:30 to visit and pick him up. She didn’t arrive til 7:30!!
How ignorant! How Rude!!! New mother’s need their sleep and guests should not arrive after 5:00pm unless invited. My ex’s sis excuse was “I’m not rushing. I’m taking my time.” Really? You’re visiting someone who just had a baby and you expect them to accomodate you?
Thankfully my daughter stuck to her schedule and her aunt only had 45 mins. to visit.
But it once again reminded me how messed up my ex’s family is. They are all so selfish. In fact it made me feel sorry for my ex which is another trap I have to avoid. He accomplished the goal I had hoped for him which is he got to see his new grandson,
Baggage!
Misunderstood
So Whoopi doesn’t get it. And anyone who hasn’t been in a violent situation doen’t either. You can’t just walk away. People on the outside think it’s simple. You get hit, leave. But it really isn’t so easy. There are economic and social and religious factors to consider. Believe me. I’ve been there!
I am a strong person. But economics are stronger. I endured many more years of abuse than I wanted to because of the economy. And I’m a nurse! I get better pay than the average victim and it was still hard to walk away.
And don’t get me started on the religious problems. They are so conflicting. Luckily I had a female pastor who told me God wouldn’t want you to endure such suffering. And tho that helped free me, there is always the doubt, “Is she right?” Jesus suffered a lot. And I’m always torn between ” He suffered so we don’t have to” and “He suffered and why do we think we’re any better than He is” and “anything we suffer is for the greater glory of God.”
Gloria Allred and Whoopi Goldberg
Here’s an open letter from Gloria Allred (vEXCLUSIVE: Gloria Allred’s Open Letter To Whoopi: Don’t Blame Domestic Violence VictimsEXCLUSIVE: Gloria Allred’s Open Letter To Whoopi: Don’t Blame Domestic Violence Victims
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Posted on Aug 09, 2010 @ 06:20AM print it send it
WENNOn August, 3, RadarOnline.com’s Executive Vice President appeared on the ABC show, The View, discussing the Mel Gibson-Oksana Grigorieva case. A clearly agitated Whoopi Goldberg expressed her belief that she didn’t believe Oksana’s claims of domestic violence because Oksana did not report it to the police. Powerhouse attorney Gloria Allred has been a defender of victim’s rights and spent decades fighting for justice for battered women. After watching the segment she wrote this open letter to Whoopi.
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Last week on The View, when you were discussing Oksana Grigorieva’s allegations that Mel Gibson allegedly hit her and their baby, you asked David Perel of RadarOnline.com why Oksana did not go to the police first.
Whoopi: “Did she go to the police?”
David: “No she did not go to the police…”
Whoopi: “Why not?”
David: “Because most victims of domestic violence do not go to the police….they were still together..”
Whoopi: “I’m not buying that…for most victims..why not…If a man hits you, holding your child, and he hit the child according to what she’s saying, so why not go to the police first?”
David: “Absolutely should, but unfortunately it’s not the way it works.”
Whoopi: “I understand that but I don’t believe that, I think it’s BS..I think she was looking for dough.”
Whoopi, the answer is that there are many reasons that women who have been battered do not immediately go to the police.
Sometimes they are in fear that if they notify the police, it will only serve to increase their partner’s anger resulting in placing the victim and her children at even greater risk of harm from the batterer.
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Sometimes the reason is that the victims mistakenly believe that they themselves provoked the violence and blame themselves for it rather than the batterer who inflicted the injuries upon them.
Yet another reason is that some women make the mistake of being protective of the batterer’s reputation. They fear that if they report it to the police and there is a prosecution and conviction it may adversely affect the batterer’s business and reputation in the community in a way that could cause significant economic, emotional, and reputational harm to the batterer. For this reason, the victim may be reluctant to “air their dirty laundry in public” since a police report is a public record. They believe that the batterer will never forgive them if they report and will blame the victim for what may be long lasting harm to him which may even include time in jail or prison for the battery, depending on the severity of the injuries inflicted.
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Yet another reason is that the victim often rationalizes that the batterer will never repeat the violence, that she can urge him to get professional help and anger management counseling and that if she is successful the violence will stop and they can continue living happily ever after as a family which is what she hopes will happen, even though it almost never does. Sometimes, too, the victim has very little self esteem and thinks that the police, and the system will never believe her or will do nothing if the accused batterer is rich, famous and powerful.
She may also wrongly believe that the batterer has a special relationship and influence with the police that she will never have and that for those reasons he can influence the outcome of any criminal case.
Still other reasons that women do not report include pleas by the batterers to the victims to forgive them and promises by them that it will never happen again. Although the promises are almost never kept, including promises by batterers that they will voluntarily get help, the promises often dissuade women from reporting the violence to the police immediately.
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Victims are often in shock after being attacked, particularly where their children have been hurt by the violence as well. Often they need time to think about who they can go to in order to learn the implications of going to the police and learn all of their legal options.
In addition, the victims often need counseling themselves, in order to find the courage and strength to report the violence to law enforcement.
Their batterers have often kept them in a state of fear and emotional and economic dependence.
In some cases, the batterers have threatened to kill the victim if she reports or have their friends do it. Shock and fear sometimes deter women from immediately reporting.
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Economic dependence is also no small thing. Mothers sometimes fear that if they report that their child’s father has battered them, that the batterer will terminate all support, and that they and their child will have nowhere to go and no way to support themselves. The fear that the batterer will retaliate in this way is justified in many cases, because batterers often do react in that way and then force their victims, whom they know have little or no economic resources of their own, to retract what they say or face economic ruin and the prospect of a reduction or total cut off of child support.
It is a harsh reality that batterers often do hire lawyers to make their victims lives miserable, knowing that their victims do not have the economic resources to hire their own lawyers to protect and defend them and their rights.
The batterers in many cases would prefer to spend money on lawyers to try to deter and crush their victim, instead of using those funds to support her and their children.
Whoopi, all, none, or just some of these reasons may apply in Oksana’s case.
Only Oksana herself knows the true reasons, but what is important here is that I believe no victim of an alleged batterer should ever be blamed for not calling the police immediately.
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While I certainly encourage them to do so, they should not be personally attacked because they do not. Life as a victim of violence, particularly where there are children is difficult and complicated enough without being publicly attacked and having their motives questioned because they failed to immediately report to law enforcement.
While it is fair to ask the question regarding why Oksana did not immediately call the police, I think it is unfair to jump to conclusions about why she did not, and immediately assume a nefarious motive and underlying agenda.
Whoopi, as we say in the domestic violence movement, there is no excuse for abuse.
To that I will add there is also no excuse for others who do not know all of the facts to join in with a verbal attack on the victim.
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Whoopi, I have always admired and enjoyed your talent, your work and your point of view. I know you care deeply about women’s rights and about victims. Your life and your views have been an inspiration to many. Please help us to end violence against women and children by supporting women in these complicated situations in the future.
You have a daughter and a granddaughter. We need you on the side of the victims.
With Respect,
Gloria Allred
ictim’s rights activist) to Whoopi Goldberg (actress and comedian on the View).
Eminem and Rihanna
What are they saying? If you just listen to the song it’s the classic abuser and his victim’s response. It’s a story and a reply. But the video is more disturbing because it seems to glorify the passion of the two characters. They seem to accept their situation and continue it. It becomes “yes he’s abusive and out of control, but she accepts it and loves him anyway because she abusive too.”
I’ve been in this situation and am happy to be free of it. But what’s the story with Rihanna?
Eminem and Rihanna’s video
Here it is: Eminem’s and Rihanna’s video about domestic violence. It makes me cry because sometimes this is how it is.
What do you think?
Eminem’s “Love the Way You Lie”
So Eminem and Rihanna have teamed up to make a song and video about domestic violence. Supposedly Eminem is realizing he should have left his on again off again relationship with his two time wife and ex a long time ago. I’m always two minds about songs like this, do they bring awareness of the problem or just exploit it?
On Thursday on MTV at 9 pm the video will debut. I look forward to seeing what Eminem is trying to say.
Rihanna has stated that she and Eminem have been on opposite sides of this issue and that’s why she thought it was important to collaborate with him on this song and video.
Watch and comment.
Charlie Sheen pleads guilty
So Charlie Sheen threatened to KILL his wife at Christmas and brandished a knife to back it up and he gets to plead guilty to a count of misdemeanor assault. He gets no jail time, supposed to go to rehab but he’s getting time off for time already spent in rehab, and credit for going to anger management classes.
Now I ask you, if you threatened to kill your boss and brandished a knife do you think you’d get the same sentence? No, of course not. You’d be in jail!!!
No matter how much progress is made in the field of domestic violence awareness, it still comes down to a man can threaten his wife and it’s not really that bad because she is his property after all and she probably provoked him and when it comes to domestic violence we’re still living in the 1800s.
Emergency Preparedness
This post is about running away. If the worst happens and you need to escape on a moments notice these are the things you need. Get a suitcase or a duffel bag and fill it with the items I will discuss and then hide it or keep it somewhere you can access it as needed. Maybe that will be your closet, or the children’s closet or the trunk of your car or a friend’s house.
This is your emergency ( I’ve been hurt so bad I have to get out now bag) Just knowing you have it and are prepared for flight will relax and empower you!
1. Original birth certificates of you andyour children. You’ll need these if you manage to leave this painful relationship.
2. Copies of inportant documents like mortgage and insurance policies. ( If you ever do leave and make the decision to divorce you’re going to need this info.)
3. Account numbers of all individual and joint accounts, ( Again if you decide to divorce you’ll want this info)
4. Change of clothes for you and your children including PJs and several changes of underwear. ( If you have to bail in a hurry, you don’t know where you’ll end up and you’ll want clean clothes)
5. Every week try to put a liitle money aside, you may need to grab a taxi or a bus to escape and you’ll want to be able to get food or whatever until you get to safety. (You can’t depend on credit cards or atm because your significant other may cancel them if you run.)
6. Have a written list of all your contacts : doctors, dentists, friends, etc. He may cancel your cell phone service and you’d lose all your info if you’re depending on that.
7. Have a list of phone numbers for domestic violence shelters in your area along with mapquested directions to them.( You never know, you may need them).
You may never need to use this escape bag but just knowing you have it can empower you and give you a sense of control and in these situations a sense of control is important.
Think i left something off the list? Comment and I’ll add it.
Mel Gibson – Yikes!
Ay-yi-yi!! What’s going with Mel Gibson???? The threats , the alleged violence, if it’s really him on the tapes, it’s atrocious and unforgivible. Check out Radar Online for audio (supposedly of Mel Gibson) of some of the most horrific threats and degrading comments a man can make to a woman.
If it’s really him, he’s a monster and I would hope his career is over. I mean I love his movies but he’s out of control and totally unredeemable.
Domestic Violence and animals
My ex was constantly picking on my animals even before we were married. I had two orange cats named Marmalade and Tidbit that were father and son. My future husband hated Tidbit and the feeling was mutual. I remember being on the phone with my then boyfriend as a teen and he would be mad if I was petting Tidbit or talking to him. He once said “You love that cat more than me” which was true at the time. I was 14. Tidbit would hiss and hide whenever my now ex would come over. I should have listened to my cat. They sense things we, as humans , tend to ignore because we don’t want to know.
During our 32 year marriage we had several cats. One, Tigger, was especially vocal, and would meow a lot. Whenever my ex was frustrated or angry he would hit Tigger or even pick him up and throw him across the room! He always said, “He’s going to learn not to meow like that.”
Of course poor Tigger never “learned” and in the end neither did I.
When I finally left I took Tigger and the other cats with me and I can rest easy knowing that at least the last years of his life were filled with love and catnip.
The moral of this story is: if your significant other is abusing your pets, there’s a problem.